


Dear Forgiveness (we have had our differences)

by 7_Magpies



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hand Jobs, Humor, Idiots in Love, M/M, Ryan Bergara Being an Idiot, Ryan Bergara Loves Shane Madej, Shane Madej Loves Ryan Bergara, Smut, Wall Sex, shane madej is bad at feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:40:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26429512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/7_Magpies/pseuds/7_Magpies
Summary: Despite Ryan’s jokes, Shane is not a robot. He wishes he were sometimes, because not feeling any emotions does occasionally sound tempting.Like at the bar with their friends and coworkers, when he felt his heart twist every time he looked up at Ryan laughing with someone else. Every now and again their eyes met and he’d get Ryan’s toothpaste-commercial grin and it felt like his heart was untwisting just to screw itself into another configuration in his chest.Robots have it easy.
Relationships: Ryan Bergara & Shane Madej, Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Comments: 14
Kudos: 134





	Dear Forgiveness (we have had our differences)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, friends! If you've read anything by me you know smut is not exactly my forte, but I thought I'd give it a shot, so here you have it. This idea has been rolling around in my head for a week so I'm happy to finally have it out here!
> 
> Title is from the poem "Litany in Which Certain Things Are Crossed Out" by Richard Siken because I Can.
> 
> Huge thank you to bottomryanbitch for reading it over for me and getting me out of my own head enough to realize maybe this isn't as shit as I thought. Go check her out, she rocks!! Also, thanks to the Book Club for encouraging the part of this I wrote at two am one morning with no memory of and convincing me to keep it going. Hope it's worth a few flips ;)
> 
> Edit: I changed the summary of this to a quote from the fic because I realized the summary I had was kind of terrible and I'm pretty proud of my portrayal of pining Shane so

Despite Ryan’s jokes, Shane is not a robot. He wishes he were sometimes, because not feeling any emotions does occasionally sound tempting.

Like at the bar with their friends and coworkers, when he felt his heart twist every time he looked up at Ryan laughing with someone else. Every now and again their eyes met and he’d get Ryan’s toothpaste-commercial grin and it felt like his heart was untwisting just to screw itself into another configuration in his chest. 

Robots have it easy. 

A few drinks in, he noticed Ryan making his way across the crowded space. Shane barely had to look up to know it. He knows Ryan better than he has known anyone in his thirty-plus years, and he can practically feel the way the air changes when Ryan comes close. He isn’t sure what triggers his awareness, he couldn’t put a finger on it if he tried. It’s just something he has picked up over years of proximity to the little guy. 

He looked down at Ryan from where he was standing slouched against the wall and talking to Jen when, all of the sudden, there were strong arms pulling him to Ryan’s level, and Shane’s not-a-robot brain short circuited at the press of warm, soft lips to his own. 

He stood in shock for a moment, trying to force his brain back into working order, when his body gave up and took over. He kissed back with just as much enthusiasm as Ryan was giving, and he wrapped his arms around Ryan's waist to pull him closer. 

On some distant level, Shane could hear the people around them cheering and whistling. More immediately, though, it was the scratch of Ryan’s stubble on his cheeks and the slickness of his tongue pressing against Shane’s lip that demanded Shane’s attention. 

After some amount of time that was either a few seconds or a small eternity, he finally pulled away and opened his eyes slowly, as though opening them too fast would break the spell and Ryan would vanish. 

But no, there he was, flushed and breathing heavily and  _ so close  _ to Shane. He looked around the room to see their coworkers very pointedly not looking at them. “Hey… um…” Shane bit his lip for a moment. “Would you like to head on out?” he finally managed to ask. 

“Yeah. Right behind you, gotta talk to someone first.” Shane allowed himself a moment of pride at Ryan’s breathlessness when he spoke.

Shane nodded and left the bar (after getting a few high fives and some words of encouragement that made him fight down a blush) to call for an Uber. He had just put his phone down when Ryan stepped outside. 

The air between them seemed charged, electric. Shane fought the urge to look at his arm and see if the hair there was standing straight up.

Shane wanted to touch Ryan again, put arms back around him, but something made his hand feel like a hundred pounds. 

Ryan looked back at the window of the bar before stepping closer to Shane and putting his arm around the big guy’s waist. Ryan was just tall enough to rest his head on Shan’s chest, and Shane rested his chin against Ryan’s mop of hair. The electricity that had been between them now felt like it was coursing through Shane’s veins. Distantly he wondered if Ryan felt the shock, too. Felt that electricity running through his body. 

\------

“Ryan, maybe we shouldn’t do much more tonight, we’re both drunk and I’m afraid you’ll wake up and regret it,” Shane told him as he took his shoes off in his apartment, very much not looking at Ryan’s face.

Ryan walked up behind him and put his arms around Shane’s waist, standing up on his tiptoes to kiss the back of his neck and delighting in the shudder he felt pass through Shane’s shoulders. 

“That’s probably a good idea. Not that I’d regret it, but more because I think I’d embarrass myself.”

Shane chuckled and turned in Ryan’s grip so they were standing chest-to-chest. He leaned down and kissed Ryan again. “Glad we’re in agreement for once.”

“Shut up, Shane,” he said fondly. 

“Come on, you can sleep in my bed if you want.”

Ryan nodded, not quite trusting his voice. 

That night they slept in Shane’s bed, and Ryan woke up with a pounding headache and his head on Shane’s chest. He smiled, despite the pain, and slowly, careful not to wake him up, moved his hand up to rest above Shane’s heart.

_ I could get used to this _ , he thought. He closed his eyes again and fell back asleep to the feel of Shane’s heartbeat under his hand and his head moving with the steady rise and fall of Shane’s chest. 

He woke back up a couple of hours later and looked up to see Shane already awake and looking down at him.

“Good morning,” Ryan said sleepily.

“Good morning. How are you feeling?”

“Not great, but I think a couple of Tylenols should help. How about you?”

“I’m alright. Definitely not bad enough to get one of those IVs again.”

Ryan laughed at the memory. “Good point.” He leaned up and kissed Shane’s cheek. “Let’s get something to eat. I’m starving.”

“You’re always starving.”

“Exactly.”

\-----

Ryan ended up being surprised at how easy falling into a relationship with Shane was. Everything was more or less the same. They still hung out, still made fun of each other relentlessly.

But now, he got to end each “shut up, Shane” with a kiss, got to hold his hand during lunch, got to stay at his apartment with him some nights. It was nice. 

About a week after that night at the bar, though, Ryan came into work and went over to Curly’s desk. “Hey, um, do you know if Shane’s coming in today?” 

Curly hummed, not looking up from his computer. “I don’t know, why? Isn’t that something you’d know?” He looked and saw Ryan’s face and stood up. “Oh no, baby, what happened? Come on, let’s go get some coffee and you can tell me what you did.”

Ryan paused before following him. “Wait, why do you think it’s something  _ I  _ did?”

Curly turned and looked at him with a sharply raised eyebrow, not saying anything.

Ryan sighed. “Thanks a lot, Curly, lots of help.” 

His friend just shook his head. “Ryan, honey, I say this with love, okay? You do dumb things. It’s a fact of life.” They reached the break room and Curly poured a couple of mugs of coffee. “Whatever you did, I’m sure it can be fixed.” He led Ryan to a table and sat down. Ryan followed numbly. “So spill, tell me  _ everything _ .”

Ryan took a sip from the mug. “That night at the bar-”

“Oh, yes,  _ that night, _ ” Curly said cheerily. “I’ve been meaning to ask, how is Shane in bed?”

Ryan almost spit out the coffee he was sipping. “Goodness, Curly,” he coughed. “We didn’t - not - we haven’t…” he sighed, rubbing his forehead. “Look, that night, the reason I kissed Shane was because I had apparently been watching Shane all night -”

“That seems legit,” Curly murmured before raising his hands in surrender at the sharp look Ryan shot him. 

“I had apparently been watching him with what Zack said were ‘starry eyes,’ and so he said ‘I bet you won’t do something about it.’”

“Oh  _ no, _ ” Curly moaned. 

Ryan bit his lip. “I know, it was a bad reason.”

“It was the  _ worst _ reason, Ryan!” He pinched the bridge of his nose dramatically. “And you told Shane about it?”

“It just… slipped out last night. I thought he knew that I had done it on a dare. I was sure he had heard. But I didn’t think the why was as big of a deal now that we were together.”

“Look at this from Shane’s perspective, okay? He’s been pining after you for a  _ long  _ time.”

“I didn’t know that!” Ryan interrupted. “How was I supposed to know?”

Curly rolled his eyes. “‘How  _ didn’t _ you know?’ is the better question. Moving on, in Shane’s mind, he and his best friend-slash-crush had a hot and heavy make out sesh in a bar and then started dating, right? Now he finds out that the impetus for that, the kiss, was under false pretenses. Of  _ course _ he’s worried about what all else is fake.”

Ryan nodded. It made sense. “I feel like a grade-A asshole,” he groaned, covering his face with his hands. “What do I do?”

“You’re going to have to talk to him. Prove to him that you meant it all. Show him that it wasn’t because of a dare, that it was because you wanted to.”

“Okay. How do I do that?”

Curly sighed. “ _ Ay caramba.” _

\-----

About an hour later, Shane heard a knock on his door. He opened it to see Ryan standing there.

“What?” he asked.

Ryan’s chest hurt at the sight of Shane’s tired eyes and vacant expression. He looked like he hadn’t slept at all, like he had been crying. 

“I need to explain. Please.” He didn’t bother to hide the pleading in his tone.

Shane stepped outside and closed the door behind him. “What do you have to explain? This was all a joke, except I was left out of the loop. Pretty open and shut.”

Ryan shook his head. “Please, listen to me. I know how it looks, alright? But that wasn’t what I meant. I didn’t think the ‘why’ mattered once we were together. I thought that if I couldn’t kiss you on my own, then I could do it because of a dare. It’s stupid and dumb, and if I knew how you felt about me, I would have done it under better circumstances. I thought you didn’t like me back, and that if I kissed you then we could laugh about it and I would have the memory.” He took a deep breath, trying to fight back the lump in his throat. “I hate what I did, I hate that it hurt you, and I need you to know that I want you. That wasn’t a lie.”

He watched Shane’s face, watched him work through what he had just said.

“Look, if you want me to leave, I understand, and I will, but I needed you to know.”

He turned to leave when he heard Shane call “wait.”

Ryan turned and Shane reached for his hand. “I understand. I’m sorry, I-”

“It was my bad, okay? You don’t have anything to apologize for.”

Shane nodded, tears welling up in his eyes. “Would you… would you like to come inside?”

Ryan smiled and nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I would.” He followed Shane in and closed the door behind them. They stood in the entryway, neither of them sure of what to do next. “Shane, you believe me, right? That it wasn’t a prank, that I wasn’t trying to hurt you?”

Shane nodded. “Yeah. I mean, it was still stupid of you, but yeah.”

The corner of Ryan’s lips turned up in a half smile. “You knew I was stupid when you started liking me.”

“I guess you got me there.” 

Ryan stepped into Shane’s space slowly, and Shane allowed him to. They stood with just a few inches between them, Ryan looking up at Shane. He slowly put his hand on the side of Shane’s face, and Shane’s breath caught. 

“Is this okay?”

“More than.” Shane put his own hands on Ryan’s waist, pulling him close so their bodies touched. 

Ryan leaned forward onto his tiptoes and kissed Shane softly on the lower lip. When he pulled back, Shane’s eyes were closed and he opened them almost dreamily.

“You always look so surprised when I kiss you,” Ryan said quietly. 

“I always am a little bit.”

“Why?”

Shane shrugged. “I’m just still surprised you see me the same way I see you.”

Suddenly, it clicked, why Shane had been so upset. Not just because he thought Ryan had lied to him. It was because he had thought he had been right the whole time. That Ryan didn’t actually love him back, and that he should have known that. It broke Ryan’s heart a little bit, and he leaned onto his tiptoes again and pressed a firm kiss to Shane’s lips. He tried his hardest to transmit through the kiss  _ I love you I love you I love you _ . He didn’t know if Shane got the message or not, but he tried anyway.  _ I love you I love you.  _

Shane pushed them so that Ryan’s back was against the wall without breaking the kiss. Ryan was pressed between the hard wall and Shane’s firm body and the feeling knocked the air out of his chest. He pulled back to catch his breath, and Shane’s hands were pulling at the hem of his shirt. He pulled the shirt off and started tugging Shane’s off shortly afterwards. Once they both discarded their shirts, Shane pressed against Ryan again, chest to chest, and kissed him again. 

_ I love you I love you I love you _ .

Ryan started to unbutton his own jeans, but Shane’s hands rested on his own, stopping him. “Let me,” he whispered against Ryan’s lips, and he felt like his heart skipped a beat at the growl of Shane’s voice. He nodded and went back to kissing Shane ( _ I love you I love you _ ) while his pants were undone and pushed down his hips. He kicked them off and was standing in Shane’s entryway in just his boxers with Shane, shirtless, kissing the life out of him. 

“What do you want?” Ryan asked when Shane moved to kiss along his jawline. 

“Don’t care,” he said quickly before moving down Ryan’s neck, kissing and sucking small spots in turn. As Shane did that, Ryan unbuttoned Shane’s jeans and pushed them down his legs. “Just want you.”

“I see that,” Ryan quipped, palming the bump in Shane’s boxers and causing the man to gasp against his neck. “Are we really doing this against the wall, though?”

Shane didn’t answer, instead putting his hand down the front of Ryan’s underwear and wrapping his hand around the base of Ryan’s length.

Ryan moaned at the touch. “Guess so.” His hips jerked into the touch without his permission, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Shane pushed his underwear down so they pooled around his ankles before kissing his lips again, hand stroking Ryan’s cock in slow, long movements, and he gasped into Shane’s mouth, hips moving into the touch.

Shane put his other hand on Ryan’s hip, holding it in an almost bruising hold to keep him from moving, and Ryan tangled his fingers in Shane’s hair, tugging lightly. Then Shane’s thumb brushed over the head of Ryan’s cock, smearing the precum across the end, and Ryan threw his head back and swore under his breath.

“You look so good like that,” Shane was murmuring, looking down at him, and Ryan felt heat rise in his chest under Shane’s heavy gaze. Before he could respond, though, Shane’s hand started moving faster, rubbing the precum down his length and Ryan groaned low in his throat at the sensation. 

“Shane,” he moaned out. 

“I’m right here,” Shane said quietly, kissing Ryan’s jawline as his hand kept gaining speed. 

“I’m almost- almost there,” Ryan managed to gasp. 

“Good, you look so good, baby,” and Ryan would be lying if he said that wasn’t hot as hell. 

“ _ Fuck _ , Shane,” he gasped, breath coming in short pants. 

“Come on, come for me, baby.”

And he did, head falling back against the wall and moaning out Shane’s name. He knew he was being watched, that Shane was studying his face as he spilled over his fingers, committing it to memory. He stood still for a moment after he came, catching his breath, before opening his eyes to confirm that Shane was, in fact, watching him. 

“You look so good like this,” Shane said, his pupils blown wide. 

Ryan smiled, chest still rising and falling hard with each breath. He pulled his hands loose from Shane’s hair, taking pride in how much of a mess he made of it, and set them on Shane’s shoulders. He kissed him ( _ I love you so damn much _ ) and twisted them so that Shane’s back was against the wall. “My turn,” he said with a mischievous grin. 

He pushed Shane’s boxers down, wrapping his hand around his cock. “Shoulda known it’d be big,” he said, wriggling his eyebrows. 

“Please, never ever make that face again while we have sex,” Shane said breathlessly, close to laughing. 

“No promises.” He sank to his knees and licked the head, eyes on how Shane tilted his head back as he did. 

“Ryan, you don’t have to-” Shane started, voice wavering.

“I want to,” Ryan replied, and before Shane had the chance to argue, he closed his lips around the tip of Shane’s cock. 

“Holy -  _ shit _ ,” Shane gasped, hands finding Ryan’s hair. Ryan wrapped the fingers of one hand around the base of Shane’s length and he started to move his lips further down to meet his hand. He felt encouraged by the noises Shane made and the feeling of his hair being tugged on. Once he took it in as much as he could without choking, he began sucking and moved the ring of his fingers back and forth on the little bit left he couldn’t quite take. 

“Good grief,  _ Ryan, _ ” Shane said breathlessly. His hips were stuttering, moving forward of their own volition despite his best efforts. 

Ryan looked up at Shane’s face and saw his head was tilted down, eyes closed tight. 

“I’m getting - close,” he groaned. “Really -  _ fucking  _ close.” 

He stayed right where he was and started sucking harder, bobbing his head back and forth and fucking his own mouth with Shane’s cock. When Shane came with a short, choked shout, Ryan swallowed it all down, ignoring the bitter taste as he watched Shane’s eyes screw shut. He looked beautiful, Ryan thought, and he pulled off, wiping his lips with the back of his hand and delighting in the look on Shane’s face as he saw. 

“That was… a lot,” Shane said, chest rising and falling hard as he tried to catch his breath. 

Ryan nodded and pushed up onto his feet, kissing Shane softly, letting him taste himself on Ryan’s tongue and smiling at how Shane groaned against his lips. “Let’s clean up,” he murmured, pulling back and taking Shane’s hand, tugging him towards the bathroom. 

Shane took a washcloth and wet it, wiping the drying remnants of Ryan’s orgasm from his hand and stomach before turning to Ryan and slowly rubbing it across his chin. 

When they were both cleaned off, Ryan kissed Shane again, slower and sweeter than before. “I love you,” he said after they pulled apart. “You know that, right?”

Shane nodded, taking Ryan’s hand in his own. “I love you too.”

Ryan brought Shane’s hand up to his lips, pressing a light kiss to each knuckle before pressing it against his cheek, feeling Shane’s warm skin against his face. “We should probably clean up your hallway,” he said with a small smile.

“That can wait. I could sleep,” Shane said quietly, and Ryan realized that he probably didn’t get any the night before, he knew he didn’t himself. 

“Me too.” He followed Shane into the bedroom and watched Shane lie down before lying so his head rested on Shane’s chest, his hand on Shane’s heart. 

They didn’t say anything, but nothing felt like it needed said. Ryan noticed Shane fell asleep pretty quickly under his head and he smiled a little bit. He turned his head so he could see his friend’s face. “I love you,” he said quietly.

Shane replied with a soft snore. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it! I'd love it if you commented your thoughts! Kudos are pretty great too, just sayin'.


End file.
